Phoebe

When I got home I snuck up to Phoebe's room and just started looking around. When I woke her up she was so excited to see me and she threw her arms around my neck. While we were talking I told her about the broken pieces and she just said "Gimme the pieces. I'm saving them." While we were talking it finally hit Phoebe that I was home early and she began to think that I got kicked out of school. She told me that dad was going to kill me and I just told her everything was going to be fine along with my master plan. I decided that I was going to move out to a ranch in Colorado and work and live out there. Phoebe was so disgusted with my plan that she covered her head with her pillow and wouldn't take it off. Once I got her to take off the pillow she started asking me why I got the axe from Pencey. I told her everyone there was a phony and I got sick of them but she just told me I didn't like anyone. So I gave her a list of all the people I liked. My list consisted of her of course, Allie, and James Castle. James was this kid who jumped out a window after some kids did some repulsive things to him. Then she started talking to me about what I wanted to do when I got older. I just told her that I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around – nobody big, I mean – except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they're running, and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. After that we danced for awhile to the radio when all of the sudden my mother burst through the door. I shoved myself in the closet until she finally left. When I came out of the closet I asked Phoebe for some money and she gave me all of her Christmas money. That was it for me. I lost it and just started bawling. When I finally left my house that night I went to Mr. Antolini's house. He was an old English teacher at Elkton Hills. Mr. Antolini was the teacher that covered up and carried James Castle to the infirmary after he jumped out of that window. He wanted to talk to me about my classes, I just told him that I passed my English class and left it at that. Then the man started telling me about how he had lunch with my father not too long ago and both of them were worried about me. I felt another lecture coming on at this point. But I don't want to talk about them anymore. Nothing really worth blogging about really happened except I woke up to him petting my head. When something perverted like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. After that I got the hell out of there. That is all you really need to know about that. The next day I finally had a happy moment. Instead of telling you about more depressing garbage I am just going to tell you about that moment. It was when Phoebe was riding the carousel. I started to cry watching her. And that was the end of my happy times, for now at least.

Quack Quack

I left the bar in search for the ducks. But on the way there I dropped the record that I got for Phoebe. I picked up the shattered pieces and I almost started to cry. I was so depressed while I was looking for those ducks with that shattered record in my pocket. I looked everywhere and there was not even one anywhere. So I sat by the lagoon, I just sat there thinking about death. I wondered if I was going to get pneumonia out here and what would happen at my funeral if I died. I imagined my aunt coming and seeing me. I think I would feel the worst for my mom though since she isn't even over Allie's death yet. The one thing that I really wanted after my death was for them to just chuck my body into a river. I decided I needed to get my mind off the subject. So, I started to skip some coins across the pond. All I could think about then was that if I died Phoebe would miss me, I decided then that I should go and visit her at that moment just in case.

Carl and the Phone Call

I was talking to Carl a little while ago. It was nothing special just us sitting around having a drink. I was talking to him about life and his sex life. He kept trying to act all mature and so God damn sophisticated. Carl claimed that our conversation was full of “typical Caulfield questions.” He was just being so annoying and phony. But anyways, there was this guy named Luce there who was dating the sculptress in the Village. After awhile I started to hate that guy. He was the kind of guy that wants everybody to listen to him talk about everybody else’s God damn personal lives, but refuses to answer questions about himself. Not to mention he always has to be the big shot. He told me I was immature. I have to agree with him on that one. My real problem is that I can't get really sexy with a girl that I like a lot. I was asking what Carl’s father (who is a psychoanalyst) would think about that. He told me his father would help me recognize the patterns in my mind. I don’t care though. I sat around at that bar for a long time just drinking. By one in the morning I was really really drunk. I started to pretend again that I had a bullet in my gut and I was doing an amazing job hiding it from the rest of the world. Somehow after I ended up in a phone booth and decided to give Sally a call. Then her grandmother picked up the phone but somehow I ended up talking with Sally after awhile. I told her I wanted to trim her tree, or that’s what I remember saying at least. Our conversation ended shortly after that. Then I went to Central Park to find the ducks. But I have some business to catch up on, so I will have to tell you about what happened a little later.

Atomic Bomb Dream

I don't want to go into details of my date with Sally today. All you need to know is that I asked her to marry me; she said we should wait, and then I called her a pain in the ass and she started to cry. That's the end of it. Oh and she invited me to cut her Christmas tree down with her family, but I really didn’t want to do that. But what I do want to talk about is the atomic bomb. My brother, D.B., was in the war. He landed on D-Day and all. The best thing that came out of that God damn war was the Atomic Bomb. If they ever drop one in another war I will volunteer to ride the damn thing down, I swear to God I will.

"Little Shirley Beans"

I was walking down the street after buying Phoebe the CD "Little Shirley Beans," when I came across this boy. He was singing "If a body catch a body coming through the rye," while his damn parents just ignored him. But it made me feel better and a little less depressed.

$5 Hotel Hooker

While riding the elevator back up to my room, Maurice offered me a $5 hooker. I took that offer and a few minutes later the hooker, Sunny, was up in my room. I began to feel all uncomfortable. I tried making conversation but Sunny wanted no part in that. I told her I had surgery on my clavichord and couldn't have sex. She kept right on pushing it though and started to make me really nervous. She sat down in my God damn lap and I had to just keep lying my ass off to try and get her to leave. Once I finally convinced her to leave and take the God damn $5 I owed her even though she insisted it was $10. After she left the sun started to rise. I was so damn depressed just thinking about Allie, you couldn't even imagine. After getting undressed I decided to pray or something. I am kind atheist though, I mean Jesus is cool but those other guys, the disciples, just annoy the hell out of me. The guy who I really liked was the lunatic that lived in the cave with the tombs, who sat around and kept cutting himself with stones. While I was laying there trying to pray there was a knock on the door. When I tried to ignore that annoying knock it turned into a pounding. It was Maurice and Sunny back to get there $5 that I apparently still owed him. After putting up a fight Maurice railed me right in the stomach. While I was in the bathroom after being punched by that huge bastard, I forced myself to get some sleep. All I really felt like though was committing suicide. I just wanted to jump out of that window....

Jane Gallagher & Earnie's

While sitting in the lobby I thought of Jane Gallagher. Jane was a special girl; she was the only one I had ever shown Allie's mitt too. One day, we were sitting on her porch on a rainy day just playing checkers. Her step dad started yelling and screaming at her about his cigarettes and Jane just ignored him. She began to cry and so I moved over next to her. I started kissing her everywhere except her mouth. After the incident with the booze hound we went to the movies. On the way there I asked her if he had ever tried to get wise with her before. She said no, but sometimes I still wonder what the hell was wrong with that bastard. I guess even the people that you are told aren't suppose to hurt you, still can cause the most damage. After thinking about Jane, I decided to go to Earnie's. On the ride over there I asked the cab driver, Horowitz, if he knew where the ducks went in the winter. He said he didn't know but he did know that the fish stayed here. Once I got to Earnie's I ordered a scotch and soda, you are never too young to drink here. The guy sitting next to me was a Joe Yale-looking-guy and a terrific looking girl with him. I wouldn't go to Yale or Princeton even if I was dying. They are just a bunch of prep school phony pricks. Once I got sick of all those phonies and I walked 41 blocks back to my hotel.

Edmont Hotel- Night 1

Tonight I checked into the Edmont Hotel after the corniest cab ride I have ever been on in my entire life. Anyways, after getting up to my room I looked out the window and saw a distinguished-looking gentleman putting on women's fine clothing and prancing about in high-heels. And in the room right above them, there was a couple sitting across from each other squirting water out of their mouths at each other. After watching this I decided to call Faith Cavendish to meet up, because after all I am the biggest sex maniac that you will ever meet. She told me she couldn't stop over because she needed to "catch up on her beauty sleep," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. But now that I think about it, sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it though; the same week I made it - the same night, as a matter of fact. After contemplating my sexual knowledge, I decided that I wanted to call Phoebe. The only problem with that would be waking up my parents. So I moved on to my next mission for this awful night. I went down to the bar and tried to get a drink. All I wanted was one God damn drink but the bartender would only give me a Coke.

Allie

Tonight I am supposed to be writing Stradlater's composition, but all I can think about is Allie's baseball mitt. He is my younger brother who died of leukemia a few years back. On the night he died I went in the garage and punched all of the windows out just for the hell of it. I would have punched out the car windows too but my hand was too beat up. To this day I still can't make a fist. His mitt and a messed up hand is all I have left of him. The mitt is a left-fielders mitt that Allie had written poems on in green ink. Allie wrote these poems so he had something to do out in the field. Allie was intelligent and good-natured and had red hair. It was the kind you could see from a mile away. He used to laugh so hard he'd fall off his chair. I loved Allie and when he died I went crazy.

Old Spencer

I decided to go see Mr. Spencer to say good bye instead of watching the football game against Saxton Hall. As soon as I got there I regretted going to see him. When I arrived there he was sitting reading the Atlantic Monthly and was surrounded by Vicks Nose Drops. After talking for a few minutes I decided to leave because I felt a lecture coming on. Then Mr. Spencer made me read my garbage History final exam essay and started questioning me about why I left Whooton School, Elkton Hills, and now Pencey. I really didn't feel like getting into the whole reason why I left Elkton Hills with Old Spencer, so I just told him it was complicated and a long story. I hoped that would be the end of him questioning me but he just had to bring up my god damn future and whether or not I felt any concern for it. After that I tried to get out of there. I told old Spencer not to worry about me and I was just going through a phase. Everybody goes through these phases, don't they?